What is wrong with you people?!?

What the fuck? Bloody Ministry of Magic claims they've been after Voldemort for years now and they pass off the most obvious clue ever!

Man gets probation in snake mail case

DETROIT - A federal judge has sentenced a suburban Detroit man to six months probation after he placed a 6-foot boa constrictor inside his mailbox to scare his letter carrier.

Federal postal officials had charged James Rutherford Mell, of Farmington Hills, with obstructing the mail, a potential six-month felony. The mail carrier said she found Mell in his driveway laughing when the incident took place last July 7.

Mell, 32, had described the incident as "an incredibly stupid practical joke that wasn't funny," The Detroit News reported Friday. He also said the carrier was in no danger because the snake was not poisonous and didn't bite.

Mell was sentenced Thursday by U.S. District Judge Marianne O. Battani in Detroit.

A snake in the mail, and a guy laughing under the Imperius Curse. Real bloody funny, Tom. Seriously, I'm laughing my arse off here. You think I wouldn't know about it? You think I wouldn't hear that you stuck one of your pets in the mail to torment Muggles? The only people who don't know are the BLOODY MINISTRY OF MAGIC! Stupid bastards.

Just wait until I get my hands on your horcruxes mate. You'll regret laughing then.

Advice from One Who Knows Better

Good day, intelligent readers. You have come here because you believe I, Lord Voldemort himself, know better than you. I am here to offer you the best and most reasonable advice at all times. As I have had no one brilliant enough to ask for such at this point (a curse on you all), I have decided to take queries from other famous advice columnists and give better advice until you all are willing to submit to the inevitable and come to me yourself. For some of my exclusive and very relevant advice, you may contact me at mysoulsplitter @ gmail.com.

(me, and the results of my brilliance)

Dear Abby (Lord Voldemort)

I have issues with my sister. Since we were children she has insisted on putting me down to make herself feel better, and to point out all the mistakes I have made in my life. I understand that these are many but I truly believe that they are a result of her constant nitpicking and insistence on being always right.

I'm at my wits end. What do I do from here? How do I prove to her that I am a human being worthy of love and affection, like everyone else?

Sandra

Sandra,

You have two very clear options here.

1. Prove that you are not a human being worthy of love and affection by splitting your immortal soul, encasing it in objects of great value and becoming immortal. The joy in this is that you then get to torment her for all eternity. She will reincarnate eventually - you may then track her down again and torment her. Eventually she will learn her lesson.

2. Kill her. Then wait until she reincarnates and kill her again.

Lord Voldemort

Dear Miss Manners (Lord Voldemort),

The rude man next door insists on allowing his dog to defecate on my lawn. I have tried to explain to him why I have such a problem with this, but he will not listen. Instead he now encourages his dog to do so, leaving more of a mess for me to clean every morning. I don't know how to phrase my request so the neighbour knows that I am serious.

Caitlin

Caitlin,

The obvious answer is to use Crucio on the dog and his owner until both are too afraid to enter your yard again. However, since you are a filthy Muggle, I instead suggest collecting the dog feces, grinding it into pieces and baking it into chocolate coloured sweet treats. Include the treats with a polite note requesting that he stop. Eventually he will die in pain of a massive infection and you may watch in amusement.

Lord Voldemort.

Now, I believe I have proven my credentials enough to ensure you cretins come to me for advice rather than those pathetic people listed above. You may do so. NOW.

Or else.

Photo Fury

Skeeter, what the fuck do you think you're pulling? I give you a host of professional images taken of myself over the summer, looking lovely, and you post this one? How much did Potter, Weaslebee and the mudblood pay you? I'll double it, if it means that this travesty is never seen in public again.

I thought we had an arrangement. I send you useful information on Potter and pals and you give me the press I so rightfully deserve. Sure, stuck with the Dark Lord hasn't given me the best material but I still sent you those pictures of Wormtail and Professor Werewolf mud-wrestling, did I? You made more galleons off that than Weaslebee's parents have in their lifetime. What about the one of Aunt Bella and someone who quite clearly was not Uncle Rodulphus? That gave you front cover billing. You even scored interviews with said people, something I set up for you, something no other reporter has done before.

So tell me, Skeeter, what the hell? Where did I go wrong? Are my galleons not as shiny anymore? Did my father curse you from Azkaban? What did I do to deserve this? Sure, I'm an evil Death Eater with delusions of grandeur, but I look good doing it. And I want it to stay that way.

Just wait until my father gets his hands on you.